“….I DO BELIEVE, HELP ME OVERCOME MY UNBELIEF.” MARK 9:24
My pancreas is gone…..and God has given me a free heart in it’s place. I’ve been searching for that freedom for quite some time. I probably should say a heart that’s more free….because my mind won’t allow me to live totally free…..doubt, guilt, hurt, worry….they all like to creep in at times and try to steal the freedom that my heart knows has been given to me…..but, because the Prince of Peace lives there, they don’t get to stay……He guards that space, the space that belongs to Him and keeps them from staying too long…..He allows them there just long enough to remind them that they have no place in my spirit and then sends them on their way. Sometimes I argue with Him about those uninvited guest…..I use words like “but”, "what if”, "are you sure”……I know He must get tired of dancing the same dance to the same song with me. But, thankfully He never acts like it if He does. It’s almost like that’s His favorite song and looks forward to me asking Him to dance. It’s our song. It’s our dance.
The freedom is freedom from judgement, blame, doubt, shame and pride. A chronic illness brings with it all those things…..God brings freedom. I could have accepted that freedom long before my pancreas was gone……I accepted the freedom for my soul…..but, I couldn’t accept the freedom for my heart. What lies within me is such a sensitive, vulnerable and guarded heart that I couldn’t accept that it was ok for others to doubt me…..to judge me….to blame me. My pride made me try to be tough….and try to appear stronger then I really was…..to try to act like I was ok even when I wasn’t.
Through this journey, God is showing me that relying on others isn’t a burden….it is a gift. It allows others to be a blessing and receive the joy that comes along with giving of themselves.
As I was trying to think of ways to give back to everyone that helped me during this trial, my dearest friend reminded me of this… she said, “ Paula, you don’t pay it back, you pay it forward. Just let others care for you.” I don’t know why that is so hard for me….it’s the thing I want the most….to be loved. And I know I am…..I know I am…..I know I am….. I know I am because I was still loved when I was very unlovable. Why is it still so hard for me to believe?
My daughter is going through cp and is being considered for this surgery. It is so hard to know if it is the right thing, and to find a dr you trust to do it. I am glad you are recovering well! Thanks for sharing your journey.
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